9 Reasons Why the Fixies Fad Should End Now!

They’re Immature

Fixie-enthusiasts are like small children who crave nothing more than attention. They roam the city, funemployed and bored, looking to get noticed on their circuit between one hipster-friendly coffee house and the next. They usually began riding bikes because they were too broke to drive a car, then they got lucky with the Green frenzy. Conveniently, their pedestrian lifestyle became a badge of honor, and they capitalized on it.

 

They Compete for the Darwin Awards

If they actually ride their fixed-gear bikes (a rare occurrence), they’re usually showing off and getting into trouble in city traffic. They’ve got a feeling of entitlement on the roadways since they’re cyclists and they routinely swerve out in front of cars. When a car darts out in front of them, they usually don’t have the skill it takes to stop their bike on time since they have no brakes.

This Is “Manly”

This guy and his purple shirt (with matching rims) looks ridiculous, but to Fixie-riders he’s a regular Joe. This is a good example of what happens when recreational sports-cyclists get caught up in the fixed-gear craze. Their bright colors and bike shorts don’t get thrown away, they just become the foundation for a extra-weird hipster wardrobe that we all have to endure.

They’re Always Walking

Spend enough time on a city street and you’ll see a Fixie-rider walking his bike down it. Since there is no free-wheeling on a fixed-gear bike, the rider needs to keep pedaling the whole time in order to keep moving. Most Fixie-riders are undernourished and sleep-deprived, so actually riding the bike would just be too much for them to handle for long periods of time (i.e. anything over 15 minutes).

The Worst Kind of Posers

Real bike messengers work hard, and some get seriously injured or even killed in accidents. It’s a risky job, and often a thankless one, with their main clients being the snobby suits in high-rise buildings who want their parcels ASAP. Posers running around acting like the real deal damage any respect these guys have earned, and that’s pretty damn lame.

An Excuse for Skinny Pants and Messenger Bags

It must feel like a fashion-dream come true for hipsters everywhere – a pragmatic excuse to justify their skinny jeans and faux-messenger bags. This probably played a role in their taking to the Fixi-rider fad so readily, considering most hipsters aren’t that prone to physical exercise. The problem is, now the rest of us have to put up with even more guys wearing skinny jeans and faux-messenger bags.

They’re Only In it For the Fixie-Girls

This one’s a no-brainer. With girls like that riding around the city, it’s tempting to say “who can blame them,” but you’ve got to resist the urge. Anyone who’s ever driven through a bike-heavy city has taken at  least a moment to admire the ladies in full cyclist regalia, traversing the motor-ways on their very high seats. It’s really no wonder why so many young men are hopping on the Fixie bandwagon, and because of the cycling community’s shared love of all things bike, these women actually go for them.

They Make People Hate Cyclists

Bikes are a good thing; they cut down on traffic, pollution, obesity, and make densely populated cities better places to live in by making them more tolerable. Among all the industrialized nations of the world, America, especially, has trouble letting go of cars and taking bikes seriously. Fixie-riders are damaging the hard-won progress in that movement through sheer annoyance. When other cyclists can’t stand them, you know there’s a problem.

Go All Out Or Go Home

Fixie-riders like to act as though they’re unique, crazy, creative and funky. The real fact is that they half-ass just about everything they do. If they really wanted to stand out, they’d man up and follow this guy’s example (picture above). He kept his gears and added a tiny dog (and a twelver of Coors Light)  to his ridiculous ride. What have Fixie-riders done that every other Fixie-rider hasn’t already done? In the end, we’ll just have to count on the fad cycle, and hope that the obnoxious trend of fixed-gear bikes collapses under its own weight.